Let’s go deeper.
You’ve already learned that habits often meet unmet needs.
But here’s the next step in the journey:
If you don’t name the real need, you’ll keep treating the wrong problem.
You’ll patch symptoms.
You’ll chase surface-level relief.
But the core — the driver behind your behaviour — stays unmet.
And that’s what pulls you back in.
🧠 “It’s Not About the Habit”
It’s not really about the drink.
Or the weed.
Or the sugar.
Or the endless scrolling.
It’s about what that thing is doing for you.
Sometimes we confuse:
- The urge with the need
- The habit with the healing
- The craving with the solution
But they’re not the same.
👀 Look Beneath the Habit
Try this:
Every time you notice a pattern, ask:
“What am I trying to feel — or stop feeling — right now?”
For example:
| Habit | What You Think You Need | What You Actually Need |
| Smoking a joint | To chill out | To regulate anxiety or overstimulation |
| Scrolling for hours | To “switch off” | To escape feeling overwhelmed or lonely |
| Gambling online | To win money | To feel in control, hopeful, or alive |
| Hooking up with strangers | To feel wanted | To feel genuinely seen and connected |
| Drinking alone | To relax | To silence the inner critic or grief |
This is where honesty gets you free.
🔍 Common Underlying Needs
Here are some of the real needs I’ve seen again and again:
- Safety — “I need to feel like I’m okay right now.”
- Connection — “I need to not feel alone in this.”
- Relief — “I need to feel some kind of ease or comfort.”
- Expression — “I need to be heard or release this pressure.”
- Control — “I need to feel like I get to choose.”
- Escape — “I need to stop thinking/feeling just for a moment.”
- Love — “I need to feel cared for or wanted.”
When you name it, you disarm it.
The habit stops running you.
Because you finally see it.
🔧 What to Do With This
Don’t rush to “fix” the need.
Just start meeting it differently.
Ask:
- What’s a healthier way I can meet this same need?
- Is there a version of this that doesn’t come with consequences?
- What’s the next right thing I could do for myself instead?
For example:
- If you need relief, maybe a breathwork video or cold shower helps
- If you need connection, maybe it’s time to send one text
- If you need control, maybe a checklist or plan gives you a boost
You don’t need a perfect answer.
Just a real one.
✍️ Reflect On This
Take a moment to journal:
- What are 3 habits I’m trying to change?
- What might be the real need behind each one?
- What’s one different way I could meet that need this week?
This is how you shift from shame to strategy.
🛤 Final Word
Change doesn’t start with punishment.
It starts with understanding.
You’re not bad for having needs.
You’re not weak for meeting them the only way you knew how.
You just get to choose a better way now.
And that’s how healing begins.